This post is so pointless but I thought I'd say Hi to my fellow anonymous and see if anyone is interested enough to know what is running in my mind at this moment.
Half year ago, everyone was so thrilled that SPM was coming to an end. We made plans. We partied. We did everything that every secondary school students would do after spm. Fun fun fun days, indeed.
I was just really glad that I didn't have to touch Biolog, Physics, Chemistry or Addmaths books anymore. Oh and no more of bitchy headmistress slogging through assemblies on boring topics.
At that point, the idea of choosing college and course wasn't even my biggest concern. I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I was rather excited to go to college and meet new people from all walks of life, to make new friends to share my biggest triumphs and fatal flaws.
Heck, I did not even worry much about which college I wanted to go. We just went to two law schools and made our decision on that day.
Now it hit me like a sucker punch - I really dislike my college.
Now I am enveloped in misery almost everyday, thinking why I made such a silly decision 3 months ago, thinking why I was so stubborn for not taking my mum's words seriously, thinking how I could turn things around, thinking how I could be happy again.
I am so sick and tired of putting a fake smile on my face everyday and telling people that "I am fine.", "Or I will be fine.".
I can't tell people how I feel exactly face to face. I'd probably just break down and cry my heart out, like right now.
I don't even know why I am feeling suicidal and dangerously depressed at the moment. Everytime my heart asks me to just give up (as in, stop giving myself so much pressure and just pass my A-levels), my minds asks me to keep going on (as in, study my ass off and hopefully to achieve my dream).
I have been telling people about this problem but no one takes me seriously anyway.
I've haboured thoughts of just running away from everything but I am too hopeless for that.
Something to cheer myself up though :)
Found this in my sister's history folio.
I was such an attention seeker, haha.
I also have been skipping meals during the weekends. I think Dad couldn't stand it anymore so he texted me this just now.
Dad: Eating disorders refer to a group of conditions defined by abnormal eating habits that may involve either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an individual's physical and mental health.
Me: Errrrr, I will start eating normally once A-levels end! :D
Dad: After A-levels, the challenge will be even greater!
Me: But getting 4As matters the most at the moment :3
Dad: A & H, which one is more important?
I would actually chose A, actually but I couldn't tell him that so I just told him off by saying I was watching F1.
The fact that I would choose getting 4As over having a healthy body saddens me.
Halfway through 2011 and this shit sucks so much already. Who says college is better? I miss 2010, so so so so so so so much.
Marilyn
